dream of wrestling with God

I grabbed
His penis
I grabbed
God's
penis

I won't
deny
some degree
of homoeroticity
in my psychosexual
history
(yes, it is a strange
way to put it)
but it wasn't like that --

it was like
wrestling
with my best friend
when we were 12
right out of the shower
at his house
after swimming,
our laughter like
a fountain of water laughs,
its revelations
a constant surprise
to itself

and me
not believing
in a God
that innocent,
that kind

as kind as my best friend
who never laughed at
how I couldn't throw a baseball

but who
when he said he loved me,
I called a fag
and didn't mean it
in any way
other than with disdain