Spatchcocking (or, what we learned from Rachel Ray during Thanksgiving)

the idea is simple
take a Thanksgiving turkey
cut out its spine
and flatten it in the roaster
for a cooking time of two hours
whereas white and dark meats
cook evenly, at the same rate

the truth of it is
you have to come very close
to bruising your atrophied bass guitar fingers
cutting away at the spine with small scissors,
remove a long slug of meat that does somehow
resemble, shall we say, a spatchcock

then you place the 15 pound fowl
on the kitchen floor
on top of a garbage bag
and stomp the crap out of it
through another bag on top
until the breastbone breaks
with a sickening WHAP!

best freaking TG turkey, though,
EVER!!!!!